Employment FAIL

Busy doing nothing. Saw this posted on Reddit and found it appropriate. I will be back soon with something new.

Ok, so I took a job.

A real one. For a startup. It’s full time.  And, as I blogged before, I’m freaking out.

Rest assured, I am still an EmploymentFAIL. And I’m sure I’ll find a way to somehow f this opportunity up and come crawling back, begging you to sympathize with my plight.

How do I know this? For starters, my subconscious is completely convinced. I’ve been having anxiety dreams basically every night. I wake up feeling unsettled, feeling freaked out. At this point, my best possible contribution to this blog can be to share with you my nightly nightmares, because, frankly, they’re hilarious. And you can analyze them, like virtual Freuds.

Wow, when I initially typed “Freuds” it came out as “Frauds”. That right there calls for an analysis.

Last night, I dreamed that I was waiting backstage at a burlesque show. In this case, “backstage” was in someone’s Berber-carpeted living room, and the “stage” was the kitchen.

I was going to perform in the burlesque show. (Yes. I have done it before. Let’s move on.) I was really nervous, because the other performers were all of the super popular and gorgeous blond girls that I went to high school with. I felt pressure to be perfect and glamorous and sexy. When it came time for me to go on, I suddenly realized two things:

1) I didn’t actually have an act, and would have to wing it.

2) I was wearing a sports bra and control-top pantyhose. The two most unattractive undergarments in the universe, and I was wearing them to perform in a burlesque show.

I woke up sweating. And feeling super ugly and stupid.

What does this all mean, Internet?

As I leave the safe confines of my house to apply for jobs and go to interviews it has dawned on me that I might have to lower my expectations. In case you haven’t picked up on it I have a fairly high opinion of myself. This isn’t bravado, I worked hard to get where I am (I guess I should say “was”) and I want to continue to do so. The problem is that there aren’t many, if any, opportunities for me to do something comparable to what I was doing; in job description and compensation. I have no problem taking on a new challenge and making less than I was but where is the threshold? How far down the ladder do I have to fall to start again?

I am certainly not above hard work. My start in the radio business was at the bottom rung and I worked my through the ranks, doing my time and learning everything I could along the way. It is understandable that as I try to reenter the industry I might have to accept a “lower” position. No problem! But the logical part of my brain starts to do the math and I begin to wonder if it is just smarter to collect unemployment.

While you aren’t going to make Bill Gates money on unemployment the pay isn’t that bad. Factor in the value of all your free time and is sounds like a good deal. If faced with this quandary what do you do? Take a gig that is a little lower on the totem pole that pays substantially less than you were making or do you collect the government check, that is about the same as the aforementioned job, and enjoy the free time it affords you?

It makes my head spin. I want to work. I mean, I really WANT to work. I am going bananas sitting around doing nothing all day. Work gives me something to focus on and have some way to measure my success. All not working let’s me measure is my expanding waistline.

I am certain there are folks out there who are far more talented and smarter than I am who have been through this and I am curious as to how you handled it. Use the comments to tell me what you did. Seriously.

I’m working from a coffeeshop in Los Angeles today, and I have to say, if there’s one place I’m super happy to NOT live in, especially while self-employed, it’s here.

This place is a pit of despair, a wretched, superficial, professional graveyard. The “business” is so f-ing fickle that most people I know who live here are participating in a neverending employment cycle, moving from short-term soul-sucking job to short-term soul-sucking job, with miserable bouts of unemployment in between.

Can you imagine, going for six months without a job, and then finally getting hired to be a production assistant on a reality show about gardening?

I’m counting my blessings. And the number of fake boobs in my general vicinity. Right now, the numbers are neck and neck. Or, chest and chest.

Matt’s managed to turn unemployment into an educational experience, deriving choice nuggets of FAIL wisdom. Lay it on us, sister.

Got your own story of Employment FAIL? Send it to submissions@employmentfail.com and we just might print it, you lucky duck. Don’t worry – first names only. We’re not dummies.

MATT SAYS:

Things I’ve discovered while unemployed:

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon is excellent beer, despite being $16 for a 30 pack. Who knew.
2. I’m actually OK with doing nothing. I do not have the innate need to be constantly productive.
3. My cats sleep almost all day…. Except at 3 AM when I’m asleep and Gimli puts his cold nose in my ear and starts breathing like he’s making a prank call. If he wasn’t so cute I’d kick his ass.
4. The Zerg campaign in StarCraft: Brood War is extremely hard. I’m a lot better with the Terrans.
5. I like cooking and keeping the house clean. Being a domestic unit seems desirable.
6. My level of resentment and anger towards my lying former boss has not lessened with time. In fact it’s more acute than ever.
7. Most Halo 3 players online are dangerously intolerant and have inflated egos due to anonymity.
8. I hear the words “n&*$!^” “f-ing jew” “teabag” and “I f-ed your mother” thrown around a lot.
9. The YMCA will give you 3 months of free membership if you’re laid off.
10. Tavern in the Square has ½ price hamburgers on Tuesdays from 11 AM until 3 PM.
11. I actually live much more simply than I gave myself credit for.
12. Watching the stock market rise and fall all day is pointless.
13. I’ve refinished two pieces of furniture and found it very peaceful.
14. Misery loves company and having other unemployed people around creates an almost party atmosphere.
15. Food Inc. is a disturbing film.
16. I no longer have the headaches, insomnia, tremor and neck pain that has plagued me for the last 3 years. Who says stress doesn’t hurt?
17. Remodeling the bathroom is easier than I thought.
18. Drinking at noon is a good way to be asleep by 8 PM.
19. Groceries are cheap at Target.
20. Bridges can not only be burnt, they also can be blasted to bits intentionally.
21. Cheesecake is very easy to make and everyone thinks you’re gifted for doing so.
22. Even though I fancied myself an agent of good with a Batman-esque defiance for false protocol, one man cannot fight the tide. Policy in the U.S. workforce today is based on superficiality and half-truths. Sycophantic toadies are advancing while those that do the right thing are punished and shunned for not playing ball.
23. Yes, I’m bitter.
24. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer have to keep my head down and my mouth shut.

I like to think that I am a confident person. Take me to a party where I don’t know anyone and in a few minutes I will have struck up a conversation with someone. Give me a task and I will complete it on-time and with excellent results. But put me in a room with complete strangers asking my why they should hire me and I become a babbling idiot. I have no idea why.

I had an interview yesterday and I think it went well but not as well as it could have gone. I think I was personable, smart and funny but the Specter of Doubt still lingers. Don’t get me wrong, I can talk about myself for hours but an interview just feels different. Interview and interrogation are very similar words, are they not? This is not by chance.

Not the Specter of Doubt

As I sat down I had everything planned out in my head, had done my homework and I was confident. Then my mouth went dry and sticky with no water to be found. Then I started to sweat. It wasn’t even that hot! What was happening?! My carefully laid out plans burst into flames as the office we were in suddenly felt like a boiler room. Why am I stammering? Why did I say that? Oh God, am I blowing this interview?

This is a bit of a pattern for me. See, when I interviewed for my last job the president of the company asked me a specific question about some topic he felt was important. My reply? “I don’t know, I just drive the van.” Now this was an accurate statement as “van driver” was one of my duties at the time but it was not the best answer I could have given. I did get that job though so maybe I can relax. Although, for that interview I did have my two idiot pals to make me look good by comparison. This time I am going it alone.

Sorry to be MIA lately. There’s been a lot going on.

For starters, I kind of sort of maybe got a job.

A part-time gig, for now, but it supposedly has the potential to develop into full-time. I’m not going to blog about the details, because I’m not stupid, but also because I don’t think it’s really important.

What I do think is important is the intense anxiety that my serendipitous employment has produced. It’s much different, maybe even much stronger, than the un/self-employment anxiety. Which is, understandably, surprising. Shocking, even. Ok, maybe not shocking. But I certainly didn’t expect to feel freaked out about having a job. I’m even having more anxiety dreams — no more with David Caruso, thank god, but with excessive body hair. Did I not mention that one? Yeeeeah, I’ll dream that I have fistfuls of coarse and curly man hair on my chest or face or, ahem, other parts, and that I’ve only just discovered, in my dream, that this Sasquatch situation is completely socially unacceptable. And gross.

And NO, I do not actually have Sasquatch body hair, despite being half Russian-Jew. Genetics FTW.

I think I’m freaking out because I’m terrified of failing again. I’m obsessing over all of the things I may have done wrong at my last job, and envisioning them happening again, resulting in another Employment FAIL and another bout of listlessly stuffing my carb hole with soggy microwaved nachos while indulging in hours upon hours of TV crime dramas. It sounds heavenly, I know, but it gets old fast.

I know that I’m a capable lady, but NNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH I’m a mess.

Here is a quick snapshot of my daily routine.

As I write this I am sitting in bed, half watching Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie remake) and trying to keep the 1/3 of the mattress that my stupid dogs have allocated to me. As I took all of this in a realization hit, this is my life for the foreseeable future. While I think that I am highly employable and would be an asset to any company I also realize that there are so many others out there looking for jobs as well. While they may or may not be as awesome as I am the fact remains that there are tons of folks looking for work and I am just one of the nameless masses.

My severance is coming to an end and I am faced with the prospect of collecting unemployment. I know there is no shame in it, far better than me have counted on the system to hold them over until they get back on their feet. The question I have is what to do with all this time on my hands? Let’s face it, working a full-time job pretty much sets up your schedule for you without a thought. Now I am faced with countless hours of free time but a limited budget.

The library has been a great source of entertainment for me. My girlfriend is a fan of the Harry Potter series and convinced me to give it a try. I started the series a few months ago with little progress but now I have been able to knock out the last 3 books in 6 weeks time. While it is a fun read the influence of Star Wars is obvious. You can have your wands, I would take a lightsaber any day of the week.

Reading is fine and all but I need something that gets me out of the house and I don’t mean going to Starbucks to read. I am searching for free and cheap activities to occupy my time while I continue to search for work. I did a little brainstorming and came up with a list.

Here are my Top 3 Free Things To Do While Unemployed

Hop a Train

This is a classic activity that has been romanticized for ages in American history. It doesn’t take much to get started except the shoes on your feet, a stick with a bandanna tied to it and a nearby train. I would get to see the country and might even be influenced to be the next Tim Barry!

Collecting Recyclables!

Not only is it time consuming but it is profitable! How else can you explain the couple that makes their way through my neighborhood daily going through people’s bins? Start-up is minimal since you can find a shopping cart pretty much anywhere. Then all you need is a bunch of plastic bags and rubber gloves. You have to remember to be sanitary you know.

Commit Crimes

What better way to fill my night-time hours than a little burglary? I could work on my agility, strength and conditioning. I have to be in good shape to haul off all those big screen TVs, right? Let me be clear, I would not commit violent crimes. I am too much of a pussy for that. But if you decide to leave your front door open and tell me you won’t be back for 15 minutes that TV is mine!

I am open to suggestions so feel free to drop ’em in the comments.

This week’s Guest Failure is Joshua, who seems to be in the midst of a virtual professional Groundhog Day.

Got your own story of Employment FAIL? Send it to submissions@employmentfail.com and we just might print it, you lucky duck. Don’t worry – first names only. We’re not dummies.

JOSHUA SAYS:

Well this might not be a firing, but it’s pretty damn close.

So the situation was: I was working at a company that designed water parks  Working there was ok at first, but it turned out horribly.  The work itself wasn’t bad, but the people I worked with made it unbearable.  My immediate boss and another higher up got into a screaming match right outside of my cubicle.  And, after that my boss asked me to have that same person to do something.  He told me to tell my boss to shove it.  Long story short, everyone hated each other in some way, shape, or form.

So I decided enough was enough and started looking for another job.

After surfing Craigslist and various job boards, I got in contact with a recruiter who said they might have had a job opening for me.  It was with Talbots Corporate Headquarters (the clothing chain that’s tanked a lot). The position would have been in their department for planning new stores.  (I am a Drafter/Assistant Project Manager with a BS in Architectural Engineering Technology)  And the position payed really well.  Almost 3k a year more than [what was at the time] my current position and it was 15 minutes from my apartment. So I thought “Sweet, I’m set” and gave the recruiter the go ahead to set up the interview.

Interview goes great.  They love me, the work environment seems awesome.  They want to hire me as soon as I leave my other job.  So I go to the recruiter and fill out paper work (because it’s a contract to permanent position) and put my two weeks notice in.

Fast forward to three days before my last day.  I get three calls from my recruiter while working.  Wondering what’s wrong, I pick up on the third call.  She immediately asks me if I can speak candidly.  This worries me so I go out to my car where I can speak candidly.  Turns out a higher-up at Talbots vetoed me being hired (even as a contract worker).

I’m pissed. Here I am three days before I get out and it turns out I’m going to become unemployed.  Even though I already filled out paperwork as a contract worker.  The recruiter trys helplessly to find me another job in the meantime.  But to no avail.  (Needless to say I’m kind of jaded about recruiters)

So I make a big boy decision and choose to go with unemployment rather than go “Oh yeah, by the way that two weeks notice?  PSYCH!”  I end up unemployed for about two months. Thankfully this was before the economy tanked hardcore.